Yesterday night I went to a dress rehearsal of Benvenuto Cellini at Opera Bastille. This Berlioz opera was comic and lively. Terry Gilliam's staging makes the Act 1 looks like a musical, very entertaining and spectacular. Act 2 was more serious, with touching arias. The three-hours performance was truly a treat. Bravo!
Two weeks ago, even though I couldn't participate in this year's Concours de Promotion, I still watched it from the audience. We learn a lot watching from a spectator's point of view. Those were two cruel days. Indeed, it was not so easy for me neither. I could feel the pressure, the disappointment but also occasionally the joy to be promoted and/or to dance alone on that stage.
Since that day, I have been reading quite a lot, mostly books about personal development. I am more than satisfied about my life now, I cannot deny that. But somehow it doesn't feel as blooming as it used to be. I needed time for myself to look back on the past few years and think, what's going wrong? I am very lucky to have met a very nice person who was eager to guide me through this self-reflection process. We had nice long talks at some of the most relaxing places in Paris.
What I found out is that, for years, I was living upon other people's expectations, I was scared of what others may think before doing each single thing, that I lacked in long-term goals and self-confidence, and that what I was doing would take me no where. It was quite a revelation. For a very long time I worked very hard without being conscious of al these. I really needed to stop, take a step back, admit all these things and be extremely honest with myself.
By saying yes to everyone and everything, I said no to some of the most important things in my life. Now, I have to learn to be brave, brave enough to change. I am the master of my life, I am responsible for its future. I have to learn to stop thinking too much about every single thing and to focus on my ONE thing, my goals, and the most important aspects of my life. I am very grateful for this person who has accompanied me in this self-reflection process. I really hope that I can make a change now, while it's not yet too late.